My Short Life: I Started a Joke

 

 

  Everything seemed like a dream. As my mind became drowsy and hazy, and my body was as light as cotton wool, I felt like I could fly in the sky. Yes, I must be dreaming now, I thought. But to call it a dream, everything was so realistic. The faint wind brushed the tip of the nose

and conveyed the freshness, and the smell of urine wafting from somewhere ……. The blood soaking the floor convinced me that this was

not a dream. It was flowing like a river from the right side of my head towards the sewer. The blood mixed with the dust on the floor,

turning it dark red, and I began to gasp for breath.

Someone from the fifth floor saw me lying on the floor. It was her. Our eyes met for an instant. Looking at me, she put on an apologetic

expression for a moment, then quickly became full of life and gave me a ghastly smile. She often moved her head from side to side and was very careful to see who was watching her. After a while she nodded to the woman she was with and asked her to come over. The two of them stood side by side and looked down at me and put their hands together as if praying.

 

After a while, something strange happened. Scenes I had never seen before began to appear in front of my blurry eyes. I tried to calm down myself and looked closely at the scenes. There I was with people I never knew. Even I was having a good time talking and laughing with them! How could I have had a good time with people I hadn't even met? I couldn't understand. The scenes in front of my eyes flashed like bullets, revealing the entirety of my life at once, as if I were pressing the play and rewind buttons at the same time. Before my death, it seemed

to me that something in my brain tried to organize my life over the past 30 years in a file, put it in a memory stick, and throw it away.

  The scenes unfolding before my eyes were not in chronological order. Several scenes came to me at the same time, overlapped and

scattered. Some scenes hovered around me like a sailboat on the water. It wandered, was erased, and played again repeatedly. In addition to what I experienced, saw, and felt in my life, I saw many unfamiliar things. They were hidden in the other side of memory, in the dark and

gloomy alleyways. Some were tightly sealed in wrapping paper and could not be seen at once. Now that I think about it, they were embedded in my brain like bullets, so I took it for granted that they were natural memories. These were the things I put into my mind from time to

time for control at home, at school, in society and in the military, 'I can, I must, sacrifice'. It was the effect of mind control, which was

overused to the point of exhaustion. It was inconvenient, regrettable, and sad to know that my memories were devastated and bubbled up

due to mind control, and that I was finally going to find my original memories when it was time to die. Most of my hidden memories were

leaking out like bubbles when it was time to die. When everything came out, like a joke, I was alone, a very lonely, pitiful, dirty, and ugly

Asian child.

 

*

 

“From now on, you must go out of the territory of the United States. And after that, you cannot re-enter any United States territory.”

 

At the airport, the immigration officer's words were solemn and cold, like a death sentence. It was the moment when thirty years of life in

the United States was summed up in a few simple words. At that time, the Bee Gees song 'I Started a Joke' was playing in my head.

 

- I started a joke which started the whole world crying.

I started to cry which started the whole world laughing.

 

 

  The first time I heard the Bee Gees' song was when I was 15. It was when I was abandoned by my perverted stepfather and was in a child

shelter for a while. I was used to sexual violence for long years, so I just lay down for days and days without doing anything. One day, when the sunset was bathing the window of my small room red, the song played on the radio or somewhere. As I listened to the song, everything

I was facing sounded like a joke, and I finally felt something come out of my heart. I could live listening to that song. yeah it's all a joke It's a fleeting joke that fades away with time. Since then, when I bump into something and get stuck, I've been reminded of that song to escape.

 

  On a hot summer day in August, I was arrested by police in Las Vegas, Nevada, for possession of drugs. At that time, I was standing in the

dark alleyway of life, wandering the streets as a homeless person. On a dark street with no street lights, I thought of suicide countless

times. I was accustomed to drugs. This was the second time I was arrested for possession of drugs. I had to go to trial because he had more possession than last time and was a repeat offender. A public defender was appointed for the trial, and through him I learned a surprising

fact.

 

  “I don’t know about you, but your adoptive parents did not apply for permanent residency, so you have been living in the United States as an illegal alien. Since you have committed a crime as an illegal alien, you will be deported to Korea in accordance with the Immigration Act. You will have to prepare your mind firmly.”

 

  At first I thought he was telling me some boring joke or I had heard it wrong. Having even participated in the Iraq War as an American

soldier, I naturally thought that I would have to spend a few days in detention, or in the worst case, be taken to a rehab center and complete a short-term rehabilitation course. However, the situation became more serious than I thought. At the first trial, I was ordered deported,

and since I could not afford to request a retrial, I was on the verge of deportation proceedings. There was no hope left for me. To me, Korea meant just the same as any country in Africa, and it was a scary place like Siberia where you can't go and live. I asked the immigration

officer, hoping for some sympathy.

 

“How should I live in Korea?”

 

He answered my desperate question without any change in his expression.

 

“Go to your country and ask. You are just an illegal alien. I will not take any further questions.”

 

*

 

  I sat down on the toilet lid and flushed. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, taking out a picture of my mother from the pocket. It was

handed to me by an officer from the Korean Ministry of Foreign Affairs while examining me at the office at the airport.

 

“After researching, we found that your mother and older sister live in J City, Chungcheong Province, running a small Jjokbang (motel). It

doesn't look good financially, but I think that it's a blessing for you to meet your mom and sister alive, isn't it?”

 

  As the officer handed the photo of my mother to me, he narrowed his eyes and put on a holy and solemn expression, like a local pastor

baptizing a new believer.

In the picture, she had deep wrinkles all over her face, as if her weary life was reflected. Her deep eyes, indifferent expression, and

unknown hostility were hidden there. Her teeth were missing, and her wrinkles ruffled around her lips, and her hair was twisted and tied up with a Korean traditional hairpin. The forehead was narrow and small, but it was full of wrinkles, so it looked like a contour mark on the

map.

  The older sister, on the other hand, had a friendly appearance because of her round face and plump flesh, but as I look closely, her eyes are very ferocious. She was about the same height as her mother, but in contrast to her skinny mother. No matter how I looked at them, they

didn't look like mother and daughter. Strange as it may sound, I never cried out of emotion while looking at the photos. To me they were just strangers I didn't know.

 

  I left the bathroom and met the officer again. I asked him not to tell them about me for a while as I wanted to surprise them. He said he

would not.

After a few days of various training, the Korean government gave me a small settlement allowance. I decided to visit my mother with the

money, the money I brought with me when I left the US, and the donations from Korean-Americans. I found their addresses in the

documents and wrote them down.

  I stopped by the market yesterday, the day before I came down here in J City. There, I bought and wore the best suits, shoes, and ties I

could afford. It was because I wanted to make a good impression on my mother. After buying some presents for my mother and sister, I got on the bus to J City in Chungcheong Province.

  The city of J, where my mother lives, is a typical port city facing the sea, and the fishy smell is thick all over the city. It is divided into an

old city and a new city, and the Jjokbang (small motel) run by my mother was located inside the traditional market of the old city. It was

said that the old city was as good as Busan when it prospered as a port city a long time ago, but when Pyeongtaek Port was opened and the

nearby US military units moved to another place, it began to rapidly decline. The traditional market area, which was about to be redeveloped, was rapidly turning into a slum due to deteriorating economic conditions. The staff told me that the new town is an area where entertainment districts are concentrated, and it is an area that has recently started to prosper due to a large influx of population from nearby cities.

  The road to my mother's Jjokbang was not easy. After walking for a long time along the narrow and winding alleys of the market, the

entrance to a small demolished village surrounded by a shabby wall suddenly appeared (there was no other appropriate word). It was

narrow, more like a small gap than an entrance. The entrance is small and messy, but once I stepped inside, it's as if I've entered another

world. The shabby houses on the verge of demolition lined up in huge groups and filled the hill. The collapsing houses stretched one after

the other, long and thin and endlessly. It looked even worse than the black slums in America where I lived. And there was a small jjokbang

run by my mother. My mother's house seemed to support the collapsed houses with its two axes. It was a place where long-term guests and wanderers who worked mainly for labor could stay for a day cheaply.

Finally, I stood right in front of my mother's jjokbang house. The name of the place was Gaebyeok, but I thought again that it was a pretty

great name for a shabby jjokbang. Of course, I didn't know the meaning of Gaebyeok at first, so the officer explained it to me before.

 

“It means to open the world……. Opening women's hole is the same as opening a world……, ha ha ha.”

 

He smiled smirking while making strange joke. But I had no idea how it was like and what was funny. Anyway, I put my foot in a shabby

little room with a grandiose name that opens the sky and the world.

 

  Even though it was broad daylight, the interior of the jjokbang was dark, probably trying to save electricity, and a rotten smell lingered

because it was not properly cleaned. Gradually, as my eyesight got used to the darkness, I could clearly see my mother dozing inside the

counter. There was an ashtray on the counter, but it hadn't been cleaned well, and cigarette ash was stuck to it like pine bark. Inside the

ashtray lay a yellowish cigarette butt that had been spat and rubbed by someone a long time ago. Opposite the counter was a large trash can, half open, and the smell of the gutter wafted from it. Plump dung flies buzzed around the garbage can. I felt like being in a garbage dump.

  My mother didn't even know I had come in and she kept nodding her head and dozing off. I watched my mother doze off, hoping she wouldn't wake up. As I saw her in the picture, my mother's wrinkles were deep like a rock that had been weathered for a long time. Looking at her, a sudden rush of resentment and unknown longing mixed together, and somehow I felt uncomfortable. There was no immersion in her

heartbreaking emotions that she was the mother who gave birth to me while looking at a woman she hadn't seen in over 30 years.

 

  After a while, she suddenly raised her head. She opened her eyes wide and looked at me. It was a faint but strong impression. She asked me how I got here. I said that I would stay for a few days. Then she asked me the same question again since as I was wearing an expensive suit and shiny leather shoes, she might think I looked rich for her shabby jjokbang. As I was serious, a strange smile suddenly appeared on her

face. I sensed an unknown hostility in her strange laugh. It was a sharp emotion that easily reveals its claws even at the slightest

stimulation, with an aggressive tendency that appears from people who have lived through hardships for a long time.

 

“How many days do you want to stay?” she asked.

“About three days.” I told.

“Pay me 15,000 won.”

 

  I deliberately showed her my wallet with full of bills. I noticed that my mother's eyes changed. She looked me up and down as I took the

money out of the wallet. She received the money, put it in a drawer, locked it, and left the counter. She took out a room key and a pitcher of water and walked ahead down a long, dark hallway. All of sudden, my mother, who was suddenly sucked into the darkness, was nowhere to

be seen. Did I fall into a place from which she could never return like before? I suddenly became frightened. I snuggled up behind my

mother's back. Looking at the bent back of my mother, I felt relieved instantly and walked into the darkness.

 

“It’s dark, so watch your feet. If you fall, I will never be held responsible. Last time, some ignorant guy said that he had slipped and got a

broken leg, so he trembled and screamed to ask for medical expenses. Wow, I'm so pissed off by that clown……. You don't look like that

pathetic guy.” she said.

 

 

We had to go through multiple doors and mazes to get to the guest room from the counter, perhaps because it was renovated by integrating

several houses to be demolished. When I opened the last door and went out, I saw a washroom with a conventional pump in the large yard.

Next to it was a toilet and a shower that was blocked off by a curtain. The smell from the bathroom filled the yard. In the corner of the yard, there was a small flower bed planted with vegetables and peppers. Standing at the door to room 208, my mother opened the door with the

key she had brought and gave it to me. She put the kettle on, turned on the fan, and said that since it was hot, she could go to the washroom and take a shower. I pushed my bag and the presents I had bought into the room. My mother's eyes stopped at the bags and presents.

 

“Looks like you bought some presents.” my mother said.

“Yes, I did. I want to give to someone I haven’t seen for a very long time.” I said.

“Looks like you went abroad. I heard that there are many people who go abroad to make big money these days. The person receiving it will

be happy.”

“I wish they would.”

 

*

 

  After I unpacked, I told my mother that I wanted to eat something. She said that there were delicious soup restaurants in the market, and

kindly explained how to get there by drawing a detailed map. But when I came out, my hunger disappeared and I suddenly wanted to see the sea. In fact, I had never seen the sea properly. The neighborhood where I was adopted and lived as a child was the corn field of Iowa, and

when I grew up and wandered as a homeless, I lived mostly in warm Las Vegas, Nevada. The first time I saw the sea was from a transport

plane prepared for the dispatch of troops to Iraq. The sea I saw at that time was insubstantial, so I felt blind. It seemed that the dark blue

was not seawater, but a thick curtain. I remembered that the foreign ministry staff told me that J city, where my mother lives, is a city close to the sea. Instead of going to a restaurant, I left the market and took a taxi and said I wanted to go to the beach.

 

“If you just walk, it takes less than five minutes. No need to take a taxi. Get off and follow the road in front of you and turn right. There is

the sea right there. Don't waste your money.”

 

  He told me to get out of the taxi and walk. He was a strange taxi driver, but he seemed like an honest man with his own philosophy. I got

out of the taxi and walked for a while in the direction he told me. When I passed the intersection and turned right, strangely, I saw the sea

right away. It seemed that the sea had been waiting for me there for a very long time without moving an inch.

 

  On that day, the sea was full of light. The sky was clear and blue, and the density of light gradually increased. It sizzled without a single

empty corner. Sometimes the wind blew, and each time it raised the waves and caused the light to float in the air. The light spread brightly

between the sky and the sea, filling the space like a living creature wherever there was space. I liked the sea. I thought that if I lived here

with my mother, it would be nice to be able to see the sea often.

 

After seeing the sea, on the way back to my mother's jjokbang, I was revealing my identity to my mother and thinking of a touching reunion.

 

*

 

When I entered the jjokbang, my mother and sister were waiting for me. I thought then that they might already know about me.

 

"If you have time, let's have a drink at a nearby karaoke bar." My older sister told me.

 

As I wanted to have a drink too, I said yes. When I said yes, my sister winked at me and at that very moment, I knew they didn't know me

yet.

 

  The karaoke room my sister guided me was a bit far from my mother's motel. It was at the far end of the demolished village, inside a

concrete building that had faded to black. The exterior of the concrete building looked ugly, with all the paint peeling off and parts of it

torn down. However, the monstrousness was in strange harmony with the surrounding houses, creating a strange scene that was awkward

like Siamese twins who could not be separated from each other. It looked like a sacred symbol where the spirits protecting the demolition

village lived, and in a way, it looked lonely like the palace of a cruel dictator who oppressed the demolition village.

  On the way to the building along the dirty alleyway, the sun began to fall quietly behind the building. The energy from the red sunset was

blowing the steam of life into the blackened building. In a way, that time was like a solemn ceremony of offering a sacred sacrifice. In the

elongated light of the sunset, the buildings glowed golden and began to shine a beautiful and splendid light toward the dark, shabby,

demolished village that seemed about to collapse at any moment. It was the moment when new life came into the dying village. At that

moment, it was no longer a dirty slum, but a place where the people of the temple covered in beautiful flowers lived.

 

  A shabby building greeted us. I looked up at the building. Various shops were lined up inside the building, and the karaoke room was at the

far end of the fifth floor. The building was seven stories tall, and shop signs were randomly attached to the exterior of the building like rags. Most of them were not doing business, just hanging signs. The inside of the building was even worse. There were piles of garbage all over

the place as if it hadn't been cleaned at all. The smell of urine was vibrating, and the smell of human waste was coming up endlessly from

somewhere. It was difficult to breathe. But people came and went endlessly, and I saw drunk people taking turns screaming, spitting, and vomiting all over the place. In a word, it was the appearance of Asura. My sister led me to a karaoke room through the drunkards. At the

entrance of the karaoke room, my sister said to me as if passing by.

 

"That's the bathroom."

 

  My sister pointed to the bathroom with her thick finger. As I tried to turn around to go to the bathroom as I needed to pee, my sister threw her arms around me and dragged me into the karaoke room. My sister smelled like cheap perfume.

When I entered the inside, a clean and shiny karaoke room unfolded in front of me as if a dramatic twist had been planned. The waiters were polite, and I couldn't find any drunken guests. The subtle scent of lavender tickled my nose. It was to the extent that I fell into the illusion

that I had entered another world. We were shown to our room. My sister handed some money to the waiter and whispered, “Bring what I

ordered in advance.”

 

  The food was a strange mixture of Korean and Chinese styles, but the taste was not too bad. The waiter brought some beers and soju too. I was not used to Korean soju, so I drank only beers, but my sister came close to me and wrapped pork in kimchi and told me to open my

mouth with an ‘ah’. When I said ‘ah’ and opened my mouth, my sister put the meat into my mouth. Suddenly I felt good. My sister asked for another toast. After hurriedly drinking a few glasses, I got drunk.

  My sister continuously offered me a drink. As I kept drinking, all I could think about was how and when to tell them about me. After a while, the door quietly opened and my mother entered. As soon as she sat down, she poured soju into a water cup and gulped it down. She didn't

look at side dish. I bowed lightly to her. I told my sister that I was going to the bathroom for a while and left the room. I wanted to wash my face in the bathroom and organize my thoughts.

I went outside and went to the bathroom my sister had told me about. Suddenly, I felt that someone was following me, but I didn't look

behind me. I thought he was just a drunk.

 

  I stood in front of the bathroom and knocked, but there was no response. I waited a moment, opened the door, and stepped right foot into the bathroom. But for some reason, I couldn't set foot. I tried moving my feet, but there was no floor to tread on. I woke up. Instinctively sensed danger. I barely got to my feet and looked straight ahead. Surprisingly, there was no toilet in front of me, and only a cliff of unknown

darkness was watching me. It was a terrifying moment. I pulled myself safely back and looked at the bathroom door again. There was clearly a sign on the door that said it was a toilet. It was confusing. I was holding the doorknob and staring blankly outside, bewildered. It was then. Someone pushed hard on my back.

 

"Thud"

 

  Head first hit the floor and I couldn't scream. The right side of the head was shattered, and it seemed that the neck bones were broken. I

collapsed and stared into space when someone poked their head through the railing on the fifth floor and looked around to find me on the

ground. Oh my god! That person was my sister. My sister was the one who pushed me off the ledge on the fifth floor. Our eyes met for an

instant.

  Alas, please don't misunderstand. Now she has no idea who I am. If she had known, I'm sure she wouldn't have done anything so cruel. So

please, don't drive them as unscrupulous people who even kill their own flesh and blood. My mother came to my sister's side. They looked

down at me as I was dying and put their hands together as if in prayer. It was then.

 

- That person is you, la~la~ la~ la~ la ……

 

My mother squeezed her waist to find her cell phone, then pulled out the phone after a while. And immediately there were screams and

wails.

 

"I beg your pardon. what do you mean…… , that can't be. Oh my God!”

 

  She dropped the phone to the ground and looked down at me. My mother, with a devastated expression, just looked at me with her tears

dripping. It was as if she finally realized that I am her lost son. She looked at me with her sad eyes and shed tears. Tears welled up in the

deep wrinkles. She sat down on the spot. Because she had created an absurd situation where no words were needed, the degree of despair

she felt must have been so overwhelmed that it was difficult to guess. I got scared. It was because she thought that the fact that she had killed her own child would drag her into unbearable despair and give up her own life. I wanted to tell her that it was okay, but the words didn't

come out. I just kept looking at her.

 

“Mother, I am fine. It's really okay. I will die soon, but you must live. Please don't die.”

 

I kept talking to my mother in my heart. My mother only looked at me and cried.

 

"What's the matter? What's the matter? What kind of conversion were you doing? Tell me quickly what's the matter!"

 

  My sister let out a short scream, frightened by my mother's sudden scream. But my mother said nothing after the screaming and she quickly broke down. My sister tried to raise my mother up but she collapsed again and again as she had no strength in her legs. My mother looked

down at me with sad eyes. She sat down as if she had given up on standing, and she turned her head to my sister and said something. My

sister also collapsed and began to cry. My mother must have told her about me. After a while, something terrible happened that I hadn't even thought of in my dreams. My sister, who was standing behind my mother, had pushed her down from the fifth floor.

 

"Thud"

 

  Less than three meters from me, her head was broken and her marrow was bursting, and my mother, covered in blood, was struggling to

come towards me. But I knew she couldn't move. She just stared at me with her eyes wide open. I also blinked at her mother. Soon after,

seeing her mother who had fallen, my sister also threw herself to the floor. All of us fell to the floor, unable to say anything, just looking at each other and weeping.

 

*

 

Our meeting ended like this. It was short but intense. Others would say that our deaths were very tragic, but in fact it wasn't that sad. It was because, broadly speaking, I would not be alone in such a pitiful and unlucky life. And the more I thought about it, my life from the beginning was fleeting and pointless, like a joke. Moment by moment, instinctively, I should have endured, humming a song under self-hypnosis that

everything was a joke. Born and abandoned by my parents, adopted to the United States and abandoned again by my adoptive parents,

wandering the streets as a homeless person and addicted to drugs. Standing in the dark alleys of my life, I thought of suicide countless

times, and even at this time of my death after being deported to Korea, I was humming that song again and taking my insignificant end as a

joke.

 

- 'Til I finally died which started the whole world living

Oh, if I'd only seen, oh yeah. That the joke was on me,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Korea was once the undisputed number one exporter of orphans in the world. It was a shameful result of sending children abroad as if

they were exporting them through public-private cooperation. It was a miserable time when anything was justified to earn foreign

currency. Abandoned in Korea and the United States, they had no country until now.

The motif of this novel is the story of an adoptee (Han Ho-gyu, American name Monte Heinz) who was deported to Korea.

The scene in which the main character was killed by his mother and sister was inspired by a newspaper article in Albert Camus' The

Stranger, Part 2, Chapter 2.